A New Baby
On January 17th, the day after my 32nd birthday, I learned that I was pregnant again! It wasn't a total surprise but at the same time, I really didn't expect that I was pregnant so when I saw the two lines (on two different tests) I was shocked and so, so, SO thrilled! For years I have dreamed about having four children. I couldn't believe that it was actually going to happen. Especially considering that it took 2.5 years for us to conceive our 2nd child. There were a few years there where I thought our oldest was going to be an only child. Now here I was, expecting baby #4!
I had so many hopes and prayers for this child. I could not wait to meet them. My only nerves had to do with how close in age my youngest two would be, but I knew even that could prove to have many advantages to it.
For this baby I decided to not wait to announce it. I think I am now past the point of keeping these kinds of secrets now. Even in the future, I don't think I'll hide anything. After my Mom died 11 years ago I found that hiding things and keeping life events and changes to myself for too long doesn't do me any good, it only brings more stress. I'd much rather walk through the joys & trials of this life with my friends and family by my side.
|"The baby died. But your mommy died too, and so now the baby is with your Mommy in Heaven. She is not alone anymore!" - Avery, age 4.|
I was in tears as I opened up this box. It is filled with so much love! I can't express how thankful I am for Awakening Grace.
We named the baby Julian Lael Ivy Herrmann.
My Mom's Grandchild
"The baby died. But your mommy died too, and so now the baby is with your Mommy in Heaven. She is not alone anymore!" - Avery, age 4.
It fills me with so much joy to think that God has given my Mom a grandchild to love and care for. I don't know much about Heaven. I've always thought of it as something too complex to ever comprehend. It's a place that exists outside of time and space as we know it. Nevertheless, I KNOW that both my mother and my child are in the presence of God. I pray that they are together.
His Will, Forever
Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum) wrote this song following her own miscarriage in 2015. I fell in love with this song just a few weeks before losing our little Julian. Tonight I finally got up the courage to listen to it again. It truly expresses where my heart has been this entire week. There has been so much confusion and sadness, it's so hard to count it all joy when all I feel is aching pain. It's especially hard to walk through a trial when you just can't seem to make any sense of it. I have so many questions, fears, and concerns. I feel defeated. So many of my "plans" seem to have just been squashed.
I just need to stop and remember He is God and I am not. Thy will be done.
I know He hears me when I am crying out in grief. I also know that He is going to be the one who comforts me during this process.
I take refuge in Christ. He is the only one who can bring me peace and restore my joy. The hope that I have in Him is incredible. I don't know how I would function without that hope.
Maybe one day God will provide us with another child and we most certainly will rejoice. But that child will not be Julian.
So for now, we grieve.